The Long Journey Home

So there was the constant running,

Years of it

Frightened…but not sure of what

Angry…but not sure with whom

I dwelled in the space

Where eternity lies

With the stars and dreamy nothingness

Of the other side

The here and now

Routine and cycles

Of life on earth

Terrified me… to the point of

Dragging my two young children

Across the globe

Just to be sure

That we could always hide

Or move on….from

That which reminded me I was alive

In a physical body

With an earthly life to lead

A life that had lost its sense

Somewhere along the way

Couldn’t find the place

Or the forgotten meaning

Searching I did

Whilst running wildly

Hunting for safety, love and a home

But a home can’t be found

Home is where the heart is

But as the heart was in shreds

The homeland was unrecognisable

From the start…

But run and search I did, in all the wrong places

In the drugs that made me feel

So connected…to the disconnected world of lost souls

In relationships that intensified the feelings of loneliness.

To India, where the reflection of self in the eyes of all,

Spun me around and shoved me back into the arms of what was not yet finished

To my horse and cart and the seeking of sense

in the windy lanes that the gypsies had trod.

Until with age and the turning of Saturn

I made the first tentative steps to stop running

And face the job of building

Something more stable

That had structure and form

That I could say was mine

And that maybe I would even belong

But life cannot be forced to

Supply stability

At the wave of a hand, the making of a decision

And so from running to illusion…I built sandcastles in the sand

I created a persona

That had many friends and an exciting life…in foreign lands

And the frightened me who ran away

Looking for a home, buried herself deeper within

Given up fleeing

Hiding now in the theatre piece of a life

that was animated and dynamic but

resting on a bedrock of dust and emptiness

Until the day I signed on the dotted line

I boarded the train

That would take me on the journey

Inwards…towards a reanimation of the lost soul

It was to be the most intense adventure of all my travels

Layer by layer, like an onionskin

I peeled slowly away, each hurt, illusion,

And out-dated survival technique

And slowly I could feel the breath coming back

To my aura, to my being, to my heart

Hesitatingly I looked in the mirror

And told myself I loved me!

Slowly I made sense of the past

And even the generations past

I performed symbolic acts

To heal the unconscious mind

I learnt to dance my dance

Sing my song and feel

Feelings were the key…

I stopped running from and faced them

What we resist persists

I let go, stopped barricading

And my body processed intelligently

Much more so than the mind (that likes to think its intelligent)

And gently as I learnt to believe in myself…and love myself

the outer illusions started to flake away

And deep in my innermost

A subtle process of going home began… yet unbeknown to me

And the universe helped the subconscious

As together they created situations that nudged me nearer

To the place where I had come from

To the place where I had fled from

Inner and outer intertwined

I was getting nearer to them both

Closer to home, back to the hearth

Feminine, masculine, the union of both

In my inward and outward lives

Harmoniously, magically, beautifully reflecting each other

I had stopped running and begun caring

For myself, for other, for the whole

And in an instant, twenty five years later

The two ends joined

I had arrived at the same place

But recognised it for the first time

I am going home!

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