I peel back yet another layer
Of understanding the pain
That sends me staggering forward
Into the mouth of fire
Un-lodging the fear monster
That has been settled
For lifetimes
In the caverns of my belly
Awakening with a primal roar
Do I run or face it?
Writhing and thrashing
Filling my inner space
With its death-like stench
Tyrannising the instant,
which lost in its jaws
is sacrificed as sustenance
To an insatiable force
that engulfs my soul
and forces me into
its interminable darkness
the turning point, pivotal
emerges from a desire to live
in the light of the instant
and feel the warmth imbue me
to fight would be to feed
the greedy demon
face on I feel his force
and call upon my allays
to infuse me with their light
their love and impulse for life
Its trunk alone, hard and determined
A pillar of strength
Anchors me solidly between sky and earth
Like a father teaching a toddler to walk
Supporting, the new growth
with its mighty structure
and then I call on the angel of angels
the light bringer, she infuses me
recognising the ancestral fear
whilst caressing my depths, rhythmically
Brushing the fear from my ovaries
She gets to work on my belly
Her radiance brings movement that
Scrapes away the sticky, oozing blackness
It hurts, my kidneys tighten and I vomit
Generations of terror that has no place
In a temple of light, where the angels
Abide.
She passes the torch to Palo-Santo
A master of love
From the deep humus of the forest floor
Decomposing matter into light
My body melts into being here
As I accept the earth as my home
Its massiveness fills every cell
I am worthy of my place and I am safe
Tear drops, cleansing and watering
This new life, pledging its loyalty
To loving aliveness, where fearful death
Has no place except as a distant memory
That was composted, decomposed
Cleansed, transformed by the living soil
Of my belly, so that the forest of dreams
Can flourish and love through me.
Cathy Skipper 