Becoming

This article is about becoming, becoming me, becoming who I always knew I was but felt it unsafe to be. As I embrace my journey towards menopause as a positive, empowering transformation into the wise, older woman that I always looked up to, I feel the fear, the fear that has been passed on through my gender but this time I walk through it. Women are carrying generations of fear-based messages reminding them that they could well be cut down for being she. The witchcraft trials in Europe killed thousands and thousands of innocent women, female babies have been and still are killed at birth in China, India and other muslim countries merely for being feminine and of course the list goes on. The term femicide that defines the killing of women because they are female was first coined in 1801 in England to signify, “the killing of a woman” It was then used by by the American author, Carol Orlock in the 1970’s to try and highlight the crimes that women endured just because of their gender.

“We must realize that a lot of homicide is in fact femicide. We must recognize the sexual politics of murder. From the burning of witches in the past, to the more recent widespread custom of female infanticide in many societies, to the killing of women for “honor,” we realize that femicide has been going on a long time. But since it involves mere females, there was no name for it until Carol Orlock invented the word ‘femicide.’ (1)

This article is not about re-visiting this subject, I just wanted to mention that as women we are carrying an internalized, historical (and actual) fear that reminds us that by our gender alone we could be in danger of death.

I believe that the feminine energy in our world is rising, rising from the earth and rising both in women and men, it is a matter of survival. In my personal life and my work I am committed to bringing this to the forefront. Women and men need to find that pulsation that is feminine, it is not easy to allow it to manifest, to be felt as we have not been educated to give it space, recognition or a voice. The masculine aspect in both men and women will continue to run out of control without this wisdom. The feminine wisdom is earth-based, it vibrates with the hum of the earth, it is cyclic, receptive and at home in the dark.

What I need to talk about in this article is crying to come out, be heard, vocalized and expressed. My belly is aching with it, filled up with it, screaming from within. Since young womanhood, I have been confronted with a phenomenon that has deeply hit me, a phenomenon that up until recently I would turn against myself and say, “there must be something wrong with who I am” and I would try to be otherwise, someone else, someone ‘acceptable’.

I have always felt passionately about women’s issues, be it breastfeeding, natural birth, equality. women’s safety, women’s empowerment etc. When these subjects or related come up in conversation, I feel a surge of energy rising within me, it isn’t coming from me but through me. It feels like a power surge, it is passionate, authentic and strong. It is not anger but feels like a muted voice that has found a source of expression, that is finally free and safe to articulate not just the words but the energy that has been so long held down. I feel its authenticity, its fluidity coming up from the earth, from the feminine and joining in the dance of life. I am empowered, strong, connected, happy and me.

Then suddenly the guns come out, the resistance have arrived, I stand there naked, unveiled, guilty…hands up, face against the wall, this is not acceptable. The safety, freedom, newfound place of expression is suddenly no more. I was too much, my words my energy, my passion, my voice are not welcome here. Once more I made a mistake, I am in danger and what is the worst is that those holding the guns are those I hold dear. “you’re voice is too strong, too loud, shut up”, they say and then turn the whole thing around and tell me “I am being like a man”, there is no way out, I am surrounded, I feel suddenly very alone. In the past, this would hit me in the belly with such violence, my life force would deflate to zero, I would forget I had the right to exist, I would belong nowhere, no place was home, I would need to change. I would tell myself that it was not acceptable to bring this energy to the world, I need to be calmer, softer, gentler, I am bad, undesirable, unloveable, improper, offensive, re-pungent and worst of all guilty. Guilty for being me.

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But now, something is changing and it is the powerful transition of menopause that is giving me the strength to finally ‘become me’, I am birthing myself. I no longer need to ‘make deals’ with others to be accepted, I accept myself, I no longer need to listen to what others say about myself, I listen to myself, I no longer need to believe others, I believe myself.

And so when the guns come out and aim at the rising feminine as they did this morning, I hold my space, I hold myself, I feel the deep fear in the belly and I thank those holding the guns for pushing me further into becoming. Becoming what I am, becoming who I am. I am still frightened as the fear is real and belongs to us all BUT the fear has become a powerful ally pushing me to hold it, walk through it and go beyond it. I step through the fear, I feel the rising feminine, I embrace her and she embraces me. I am whole and I am strong and I am safe because I belong to me.

me

(1) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Femicide

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