And so this time I let it happen
without defending myself
in disbelief
Feeling the blows
of his hatred for life, for himself
traverse me
The familiar feeling
shattering the density of being here on earth
losing hold of the ground
I find my balance within the danger
aquianted with and practiced
I want to run far and fast
But motionless
I wipe an evading tear
from the corner of my eye and once more
I become the resting place for his undealt with anger
Soul and body
tired to the bone of being broken deep within
for reason unknown and untold
I long to be held tightly, safely
to be buffered by love
but alone, I find the strength
to feel, but this time
my belly is rageless
tears and sadness take its place
welling up, groundless
I pack my bag
again….and wonder
when will this end?
I recoil within, telling myself
that I believe in magic
I believe in myself
but the words have lost their force
flimsily they waver faced with the storm of his brutality
Before sunrise when all is still
I leave the familiar, stifling warmth of the family home
close the gates
heading southwards again
but this time I am not running
….away is not the solution
for within it lies
scared, alone but strong
for I have finally recognised the ghost
that has haunted my relationships
since always
I close the door…firmly
Dover to Calais
the ferry’s movement mirrors my inner trembling
comfortingly
a shattered existence
holds little meaning anymore
here or there its all the same…empty!
My spirit rides the waves
peacefully rocking itself
not wanting to arrive on firm ground
that demands a commitment to some sort of life
that is supossed to make sense
where there is none
The sense lies within
the journey towards healing reveals the magic
a cycle is in completion
like the sun’s revolution around the earth
today is my birth day
I am my own midwife
and I choose to live
Cracking open old rigid patterns
the moment is right
to release the pain from the space
created from the crumbling of the walls
that hide the self
that now emerges effortlessly
his violence gifted my birth,
which is itself a gift to the self
newborn, I wait for noone to love me
I myself will fill the inner space
with warm, ripppling tenderness
I myself will pour gentle, caressing affection over
my tired body
There will be no room for violence as love will fill all
Today is my birthday and I am born !
Cathy Skipper 